I’ve been sharing my recent life updates on social media over the past few weeks, and I received a lot of positive feedback; so, I thought I would fire up this blog again. Following 2 spinal surgeries, I have been pretty immobile lately, so I have had a lot of time to read and think and write. At the very least, this blog will give me something to focus on other than binging television and endlessly scrolling social media.
On Elizabeth’s first birthday
Today, Elizabeth turns 1!
One of my hopes as a Dad was to document the experience more. Yes, I’ve taken a million and one photos, but I really wanted to write more. It’s amazing how quickly you forget what happens and how it all feels.
On January 7th, Lindsay and I went out to dinner with my parents to celebrate our 30th birthdays. We both were feeling pretty crappy after the dinner, but blamed it on the unhealthiness of eating bar food for dinner.
Early the next morning, around 5 am, Lindsay woke me to tell me that she thought her water broke. Elizabeth’s due date was not until March so this obviously set off all sorts of alarms. We called the Doctor, threw a couple t-shirts, pants, and underwear in a bag, and drove Lankenau Hospital in Wynnewood, a 25 minute drive from our house.
When the doctors confirmed that Lindsay’s water had indeed broken, the initial plan was for Lindsay to put on bed rest in order to extend the baby’s time inside. She was given medication to stop contractions and the hope was the Elizabeth wouldn’t come for another week or two.
Unfortunately, Lindsay never stopped contracting. I will never forget the next morning, Monday, January 9th, when the doctor told us we would be having a baby that day. I burst into tears and was a blubbering mess. Lindsay, like the badass rockstar that she is, maintained calm and simply said something to the tune of “Ok, let’s do this.”
Since Elizabeth was only 32 weeks gestationally, a Doctor from the NICU came down to talk to us about possible complications. She warned us that Elizabeth would probably need respiratory support given her age. She also told us we would have a few minutes with Elizabeth before she would be taken to the NICU for care.
At 1:43 pm on January 9th, Elizabeth was born. Being so small, I swear she shot out of there like a cannon! I heard her crying as nurses placed her under the heat lamp (I know there’s a better term for that). I went over and said hello and, I’ll never forget this, she stopped crying and turned towards me. We were able to get a few pictures with Elizabeth, Lindsay, and me before she was taken upstairs. For a 32 week baby, she was in great health.
We later went up and stayed with Elizabeth in the NICU. I was still a mess and Lindsay still a rock.
Two days later, Lindsay was discharged and for the first time, we had to go home without our child (not exactly the experience we dreamed of). We left the hospital at the last minute, placed Elizabeth’s photo on our nightstand and cried ourselves to sleep that night. Thank God for camera phones. I think we stared at the pictures on our phones for an hour straight.
Elizabeth was in the NICU for 57 days. They sucked. No way to describe it other than that. Given Elizabeth’s good health at birth, the doctor initially expected that Elizabeth would only be in the NICU for 3-5 weeks. In order for babies to go home, they need to do 3 things: breathe on their own, maintain their own body temperature, and eat on their own. Elizabeth nailed the first two pretty quickly, but struggled with eating the amount that the Doctors wanted her to eat. In many ways, those 57 days feel like yesterday. At the same time, forever ago. As I’ve mentioned on social media, the nurses, doctors, and social workers at the Lankenau NICU truly made a frightening experience seem much more normal than it was.
On March 7th, Elizabeth came home. The only perk of having a child stay in the NICU is that you can sleep, so it was a little bit of a rude awakening when she came home. We were still scared, still nervous. We were still worried that she wasn’t eating enough, so we documented every mL that she drank. It took a few weeks before a doctor told us to stop doing that. When we awoke in the middle of the night, we would peer into the bassinet to hear her breathing. Fortunately, she was a snorer so it wasn’t hard to hear :).
The next 7 months flew by. Lindsay was able to stay home with Elizabeth until I was out for summer. During the summer, I gained an immense amount of respect for stay at home parents. Over the 4th of July, Elizabeth took her first trip to Eagles Mere, PA, a small lake town in PA in which both my parents have history of spending summers as children. I, too, spent the majority of my summers vacationing there.
In the fall, I went back to work and Elizabeth went to daycare. Life’s never been so fun and so crazy and so busy. Each week, Elizabeth shows us something new, whether it’s finding her voice or making funny noises or crawling. Our new routine consists of eating, napping, and watching Elizabeth play. As boring as it sounds, it is all Lindsay and I want to do these days.
As my free period ends and I now have to teach a class, I will end with this…
Thank you to Lindsay, for being my steadfast partner and the best mother to my daughter.
Thank you to my parents and in-laws, for lending an ear when we were scared and being willing to do anything to help.
Thank you to my friends for asking questions and showing your care.
Thank you to God for blessing me with such an amazing family and with patience and peace when I needed it most.
Post Charlottesville: Reflections on Teaching
When my future grandchildren ask me what I did to stand up against racism and bigotry during the Trump Presidency, I hope I can say more than “I wrote a lot of really angry Facebook posts.”
The truth is I haven’t done much more than that.
In light of recent events, the White Supremacy march in Charlottesville, VA, where hundreds of white men protested the removal of a Confederate Statue while chanting “You will not replace us!” “Jews will not replace us!” and “Blood and Soil!” (an infamous Nazi Chant), followed by the President equivocating the Neo-Nazi movement with the Antifa and other groups of protesters who were protesting against the Neo-Nazi/White Supremacist March, I needed to reflect on how I can actually do more and really get off the sidelines.
In the next few paragraphs, I want to touch on the role of teachers post-Charlottesville and how some elements of PC culture has actually silently condoned White Supremacist behavior.
I love my job and I take it very seriously. I teach 9th grade English and a couple of senior English electives at an independent school in Philadelphia. Before I go further, I want to recognize the freedom I have at an independent school. I’m not overly burdened by regulations and District management. For the most part, I have the freedom to teach what I want (so long as it’s shared with the rest of the Department and aligns with overall goals).
Since I started at my current school over 2 years ago, I quickly became involved in diversity work: I serve on the Diversity Committee, I took a year-long training and professional development program, and I regularly attend student-led lunch meetings on topics that touch on social justice, equity, inclusion, etc.
Yet, when I heard the President cast blame for Charlottesville violence “on many sides,” I felt personally convicted.
As a teacher, so often I have told students that, when two sides disagree, we need to seek understanding of each side. I have told students to respect each other’s opinions regardless of whether they agree. And I still believe that. I think overall this is a really important thing to teach.
But what about moments of hate, bigotry, and oppression? Are those opinions equally valid? When teachers do not actively challenge opinions of hate, bigotry, and racism in the classroom are they not silently condoning them?
A few months ago, I was working with a group of faculty members and students preparing for a Diversity Conference at our school. The post-election feelings of racial tension were still raw and many students expressed concerns about how to respond when a student in their discussion group shared an opinion rooted in hate, bigotry, or overt racism.
A colleague finally spoke up. He shared his discomfort with the premise that a good discussion requires the understanding that “all opinions are valid.”
His answer was something like this: when an opinion personally attacks the identity and existence of a person, it is not valid and it is not welcome in the classroom. When an opinion incites violence against another person, it is not valid and it is not welcome in the classroom. When an opinion denigrates, humiliates, and belittles the sanctity of another human being, it is not welcome in the classroom.
What do you think?
The problem with teaching that all opinions are valid is that it often leads to similar comments as President Trump’s and the “on many sides” argument which, thus, equivocates hateful and non hateful arguments.
Let me be abundantly clear: I still wrestle with limiting any speech as a teacher.
The question I am reflecting on is this: how can I allow students to wrestle with racism, bigotry, and oppression, while simultaneously teaching right and wrong? How can I allow students to freely wonder the difference between “White Lives Matter” and “Black Lives Matter” while ultimately teaching them that there is a BIG difference and it’s not just a matter of opinion.
In the past, I have worried about being seen as having a “liberal agenda.” I’ve been afraid of an angry parent questioning my teaching. The past week has inspired me to no longer hide behind that fear.
And I need to be prepared to defend myself.
So, as a new school year begins, I actually want to set a few goals for myself.
- Don’t be afraid to stand up to bigotry. Silence is oppression. Address common misconceptions surrounding race, privilege, and oppression.
- Encourage students to explore their own cultural identities and establish a space where they can share and celebrate each other’s differences.
- Learn more about systemic racism and teach it. We need to move beyond simple expressions of disgust. I think it’s really important in these discussions to differentiate between bigotry (hating others or thinking you are superior bc of their skin, sexual orientation, whatever) and systemic oppression. The historical and current oppression of people of color is why the Black Lives Matter movement and others started. There is absolutely NO equivalent for white people. Period. Are there black people that hate white people? Absolutely. But when we start saying things like “there is racism on both sides” it really misses an important point about oppression which, in this country, is entirely one sided.
- Name and define important terminology: alt-right, white supremacy, Neo-Nazi, systemic racism, bigotry, etc.
For some other ideas on what to do next, the Southern Poverty Law Center just re-released “Ten Ways to Fight Hate: A Community Response Guide.” If you are a teacher, utilize the amazing resources at Teaching Tolerance, too.
If you’re not a teacher, reflect on those moments that something was done or said that made you feel uncomfortable or that, later, you wished you had said something. Practice what that response would look like.
If you are a teacher, I encourage to set your own goals and to let current events transform your teaching. Your students will bring this into the classroom. I encourage you to do so as well.
On the role of social media in political discussion
For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, I’m sure you have noticed how much I enjoy posting politically charged articles. I wish there was a way to find out how many people I’ve “turned off” because of my propensity to do this. I probably will continue to post political articles on things that I find troubling, but I’ve noticed that it’s the same 15-20 people that like, comment, or share. I rarely, if ever, see actual discussion happening. While my aim is to create awareness, it’s more likely that I’m just firing up some anxious followers.
How can we use social media to promote healthy discussion?
How do we share things that inspire/excite or worry/terrify us without creating an echo chamber?
In a previous post, I mentioned how terrible we all are at discussing politics. It’s become a game of “my team is better than your team” rather than a discussion of actual issues and possible solutions. How do we use social media as a platform for such discussion? Should we redirect comments that are meant to demean or deflect from the issue? Should we allow all voices even those that defend, demean, or attack a person’s character or existence? Is there a way in which we can frame the articles that we post to encourage discussion rather than make a statement?
My First Political Hangover
Take a deep breath. All of us just survived (though may still be gasping for air) the nastiest election of our lifetime.
Now, grab some coffee because this work is never done.
Yesterday was a surreal day. I fell asleep around midnight, knowing that Trump had just about sealed the election. I woke up around 2:30 am when the election was called, then tossed and turned all night. I was deeply anxious, viscerally worried, and dumbfounded as to how I was going to teach the next day.
Being a teacher is an amazing gift, but some days it’s really hard. My job is to help students process information. I walked into a room, full of students of color, female students, lgbtq students, who were visibly shaken, teary-eyed, and scared. This election had already scarred them yet they pressed on with the glimmer of hope in a different outcome.
For them, that hope was shattered.
So there I, a rookie teacher, stood with students, some of which were tremendously happy and excited about the future and others who were deeply saddened and scared. I had the responsibility of helping both of these students process this historical event. I scrambled, searched for a poem or a quotation, anything to help tie a bow on a deeply divisive election… And I just couldn’t. It’s really hard to help students (insert kids, friends, relatives) process something when you haven’t fully processed it either. It felt like starting a class and not knowing what the hell the students read the night before but having to teach it anyways.
Luckily, a former professor of mine shared this quotation on her Facebook page.
“Do all the good you can
By all the means you can
In all the ways you can
In all the places you can
To all the people you can
As long as you ever can”
-John Wesley
So I threw it on the board and just had my students write. I believe in the power of writing to help us process our thoughts when we are confused or anxious. I felt completely helpless as I watched an African-American student hold back tears and write until her pencil went dull, seated next to two white male students who wrote about how happy and excited they were. I know those students meant no harm to her. They were more excited because their team won. But place yourself in her shoes for a moment.
Now that I have slept, I have been able to process this a bit more.
For me, here’s what I’ve learned (followed by what I need)…
- Donald Trump is our President. As I expected him to respect the political process if he lost, I too must not be a sore loser. He won the electoral college, fair and square.
- Social Media has become an echo-chamber of my own beliefs. I’m not sure if this is due to some weird tech algorithms or simply who I surround myself with, but I was partly shocked by the result because of the overwhelming support for Hillary Clinton on my newsfeed.
- We, as a country, are TERRIBLE about talking about the issues that face this country. We are more likely to shape our beliefs based on our party rather than shape our party based on our beliefs. There is so much bias in the way we think about and process the news. We must become more critical of our own thinking. For example, when I saw the horrific shootings of unarmed black men, I thought “Fire the police officer immediately!” yet when James Comey releases a politically fueled email to Congress saying that the email investigation had been re-opened, it angered me how many people indicted her for crimes she never was convicted of.
- We all must get better at being able to articulate what we believe and why we believe it without attaching politics to the issue.
- Last night’s protests and whatever happens in the future will be smeared, though the right to protest is a signature element of our democracy. Of course, I renounce any acts of violence, but also try to avoid casting a broad brush when a couple nuts find their way into a crowd. Protests are meant to disrupt, not just be a photo op.
- I still believe in the fundamental importance of the media. They are a tenet of our democracy. Mr. Trump’s vitriol for the media is at the expense of everyone. Unfortunately, the “media” is also a business. It’s model is based largely on what the public wants, not what the public needs. I am currently reading Brooke Gladstone’s “The Influencing Machine” which argues that the media is not a separate entity from the public, it is more a mirror.
- I’ve never been more inspired to be a better teacher, a better friend, a better husband, a better son, and a better Dad. The rampant racism and misogyny that has been highlighted and inspired in this election can only be shattered through kindness and education. When they go low, we go high.
Here’s what I need.
- If you voted for Mr. Trump or voted against Secretary Clinton but you denounced what others viewed as the racist or misogynistic facets of Trump’s campaign, if you got annoyed when people said things like “All Trump supporters are racists”… Then I NEED you to speak up if our worst fears come true. I need you to hold the future President accountable and not be blind to party loyalty. I desperately want to believe that if the candidate who pledged to ban Muslims, reinstate stop and frisk, or whose running mate is vocally against protecting the rights of the LGBTQ community, does any of these things, that Republicans and Democrats and Independents will speak up. I need you to speak out against the racist, xenophobic, and mysognistic zealots who have been inspired by the outcome of this election. If not, then you are a liar and a coward.
- If you voted for Mr. Trump and are openly racist, mysognistic, xenophobic, etc… I need you to expand your world. Until then, you have no room in mine.
- If you feel defeated or pessimistic, don’t give up. We know the fruit of cynicism. Instead, give yourself some time to grieve, then get back to work. This work is never done.It wouldn’t have been over even if the outcome was different. Find organizations to get involved in. Support future candidates. Call up your local representatives and have your voice heard. Talk to your friends. Talk issues, not politics.
If you have made it this far, thank you for reading.
Be kind and Be well.
Marshall
From the desk of Marshall Bell 